...things and stuff.

...I'm screwed. I'm sitting here typing with tears running down my face, so much LJ angst.

Mum's hounding me to get onto another course - I don't want to be on another degree course. And I especially don't want to be stuck back here when I do the next whatever I do. I don't even think I can get onto a degree thingy this year anyway. Mum's saying engineering stuff for some reason, I don't know why she thinks that's a good move - part of it appeals but there's a little bit of me screaming. (Sarge, this is Simmons, I'm not happy with this plan... </gratuitousRVB>)

But the thing is, I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to go, I just want to get the hell away from here. I don't know if I want to continue in the path I've started.
I want to get away. It's the whole they want experience before you let you in but where do you get experience and especially around here in the freaking MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

I just want to move on.

Hey, Gem, if you're reading this, how the hell do I get onto a course like the one you did? 'Cause it might be the only freaking chance I have.
Either that or I double check the whole genetic crap military stuff situation.a

Urrrrrgh.

How the hell is is possible that I can hate my own style so much? Not to sound like I'm showing off, but I know I'm good at what I'm good at. ;)
Thing is, what I'm good at? Not what I want to be good at. (For the most part, I can live with the good at armour/cybernetics thing, heh.)

But yeah. I'd do anything to be good at realism. At stuff that itsn't stylised. And yeah, I try, I practice, and I know that's the main thing. I just - goddamn it, I don't know.
I don't like my style. Nice happy anime or semi-anime? I don't want to do the happy stuff. Hell, it's not like I want to do the really gloomy crap either. But I just... want to get away. Study animation and character design for long enough and it's bound to drive you up the wall and away from cute stuff...
I don't have the patience or the eye for details, and it annoys me. I just don't know how to get away...

Eh, pointless, selfish rant probably. But it just went - gah. Sometimes, it's hard not to be selfish.

Okay, so?
It's like this.

I'm addicted to the Internet.

I don't mean in the 'lolz I r intarwebs addict!!1' way. I mean seriously psychologically addicted. I mean I have no control over finding myself dragged back online just because.
I literally do need help. This is actually seriously damaging my life...

Planning on seeing the counsellor at college tomorrow. See if I can actually get myself into shape at all.
If I vanish, you know what's happening.

Thanks, guys.

What is love? (Please don't insert 'baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more, head nod, head nod'). Cause I'm damned if I know.
Never been kissed. Never wanted to kiss. Never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Never had more than a faint crush, and hell, I might've been fooling myself over those. Convincing myself that 'huh, he's kinda sweet' = crush.
Maybe you know it if you know it, but I don't know... I know what it is to care, to feel affection. But where that passes into love... hell.

There are times I feel - hell, I feel like Lopez, and I know that probably sounds hella cryptic to anyone outside B_G, sorry. I feel like the human race is charging off without me, sometimes, and I'm stuck at the starting line wondering what is what. See people who can care for each other like that. And I wonder what I don't know that they must.
What is it I'm missing? What's the big secret?

Maybe the reason I obsess over cyborgs and robots is 'cause it feels like we have something in common.

Who the hell am I? I don't know. H.B.. Never the same name twice, never the same person. Not because I don't want to be, because I've never been able to decide - never been happy with the name I was given, never able to take on a new one. Though the people I am now are the happiest I've ever been...
What am I doing here? I don't know that either. I just drift by.

...Hell, I'm getting emo. I don't want to get emo.
But sometimes I can't help it...

( Rambly confessional type post. Quite possibly tl;dr. Contains Girl Stuff, so lads, you might want to skip this. )

Also, LJ seems to have sorted out its little Comments, What Comments issue. I seem to be getting whammed with comments posted a week ago. Which is getting rather confusing, I don't know if the emails I'm getting are from now or they just got lost in a time warp...