(no subject)

So what's in a name?

I've rambled on about this in the distant past. Some people might remember it, I don't know.

Thing is, I hate my real name. Given name. Thing. Saying 'real' is kind of dumb, here. Online, I go by whatever I get called... (one day, I'll actually spend the cash on a rename token for this journal or take the time to move over, I kind of rushed the name when I was jumping at invite codes back in the day. I have a couple of ideas.) But anyway, intros... I've never done them. I've never minded being DC or M3 or Phoenix. But that feels like it should be wrong. But there is nothing I like introducing myself as!
Or hasn't been.

For the longest time, in work, I used to make a play of hiding my nametag behind a notebook in my pocket. Didn't want anyone seeing it. I don't do it, any more, but that's more apathy than anything.

Thing is, offline, I don't know how to change. Everyone knows me as what it says on my birth certificate. That's always what I'm introduced as. I feel kind of awkward when I have to myself - I can write it more comfortably. And trying to tell someone to their face that 'look, no' - for one thing, people inevitably go 'but it's such a nice name!'. No. It might sound nice. But that isn't the point. I'd feel hideously awkward about trying to impose a change on other people.
And where my own family are concerned... I've tried to bring it up. But I think it hurts them when I do. After all, they picked it.
So that doesn't help.

I'd love to just post "Hi, I'm .... Nice to meet you," here, one day. My head knows what it likes the sound of. But there's still a lurking 'would that even be me?' in the back of my head.
What does it matter?

And would I be happy once I'd said it?