(no subject)

...god, I love Wikipedia.

Once I thought to escape. To end the end a master, step out of the path of collapse.
Escape would make us God." -Durandal

Cognitive dissonance.

It's weird. My life, overall, is pretty good. Pretty happy, on a college course I enjoy with decent people, friends RL (need to organize the birthday thing still) and online. No job and spend too much time online, but the way life is allows me to, and I'll get that damn job someday. When I can drive to it, probably.

I can't help but feel like I don't deserve it sometimes. Like I'm not doing enough to. Talk to Mum - she says that all she wants is to know I've had the best start, gotten the most out of being young... and I'm grateful, I'm so grateful for everything, but I feel like Peter Pan. I don't know how to grow up. I feel like I need the kick up the pants I've never gotten. Life's never been hard to me; I've never had any big emotrauma except a few assholes in school. (Big enough then, sure, but it could have been a lot worse, they never used force.)

And I can't help but wonder when I've got to pay.

It's like there's a Dorian Gray painting in our attic. It's not a painting that grows older; it's one of a family scene that just gets worse. Or it's a photograph album, and there's pictures in it of me arguing with the family, storming out of the house, going through troubles of all sorts. (Neil Gaiman wrote a story about this kind of thing, actually, figures he would...) And in the meantime, I'm having it all too easy. That's what it feels like...